Scaramouche and the Sex Robot

Scaramouche thrust his sword into the sex robot’s plush, vulnerable orifice. It plunged deep. He thrust again and again until sweat beaded upon his brow and welled in his codpiece. If only he’d had the foresight not to turn on the most erotic of Rochefort’s contraptions, but what was done could not be undone.

The robot was unmoved. “Please insert sex,” it said in a cold and emotionless voice. It trundled forward with Captain Blood and Porthos still impaled upon a pair of it’s many steely phalluses. “Input. Need input, baby.” Its sensual massager arms reached out to crush Scaramouche in its orgasmic embrace.

If only they had not dispatched Johnny 5 to Italy in search of zombie de Winter’s chastity belt key. But alas . . . their noble melee was fated to end with quite a bang, many a whimpering climax, and the righteous denouement of a Pyrrhic splooge that short circuited the sex robot just as our hero drew his last breath.

“That smells funky,” Scaramouche said and died.

THE END . . .

or is it?

So, just a little backstory on this one. Eighteen years ago, Hogshead Publishing started releasing these brilliant “New Style” role playing games. Their first offering was a slim folio entitled, “The Extraordinary Adventures of Baron Munchausen.” It was a brilliant game — better yet, a drinking game — but sadly, Hogshead shut their doors a scant four years later.

solid_baronduelingcthulhu
Cthulhu? Check! Now all this game needs is zombies and some of that meth the kids keep talking about!

Fast forward to the present, and a friend of mine informs me that Fantasy Flight Games will be issuing a new edition. As with most of their offerings, it looks gorgeous, but I was bothered by an illustration of our beloved Baron fighting H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu. “That’s like pitting the swashbuckling characters of Sabatini and Dumas against a sex robot!” I complained.

“I would read that,” replied another friend who was in on the exchange. I obliged, because isn’t this how Fifty Shades of Gray got published?

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