Sardonic Intervention: That Stupid Crap on Your Wrist

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Balance. Tranquility. Your silicon anal bead bracelet.

The black bead is filled with tap water from Detroit. The white bead is also filled with tap water from Detroit, or maybe urine. You’ll never know.

This adult-themed teething ring is the perfect reminder that you aren’t responsible enough to be trusted with money. The cheap silicon contains absolutely no cadmium, nickel, or any other element that could possibly be mistaken for actual jewelry.

 

bracelet02This bracelet contains 50% more science than comparable bracelets. It’s like Arthur C. Clarke said, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic,” so it is 150% scientific to say that this thing works just like magic!

As we all know, holograms are a conduit for positively charged wellness ions. This bracelet contains a super concentrated hologram that enhances your overall sense of performance and well-being by channeling 2.8 billion cosmic ions into your body every 14 seconds. It’s like all of Scientology bundled into a travel-sized fashion accessory. Don’t buy a billboard to advertise your naiveté. Wear it on your wrist!

 

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Sola gratia, muthafucka! Finally, an empirical way to show people that you are Christian. Because anyone can do charitable works, but only a true protestant can sling the bling.

Live life to the extreme, knowing that everything you do is what Jesus would be doing in your position . . . or possibly live a life of crippling doubt and self-recrimination as you realize that everything about your modern lifestyle runs contrary to Christ’s teachings — NAH!

What would Jesus do? Show the world that you have no idea.

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