Jamie Lee Curtis Solves the Poop Crisis

My son and I enjoy listening to NPR’s Wait Wait . . . Don’t Tell Me on Saturday mornings. This last episode, they mentioned that Jamie Lee Curtis invented a diaper with a built-in pocket that contains wipes. I don’t get it.

diaper01
This is the diaper worn by G.I. Joe and the protagonists of Frank Herbert’s “Dune.” It’s what people think of when they hear the words “diaper” and “invention” in the same sentence.

As a father who has been changing diapers for the past ten years, I’m trying to imagine how this scenario plays out. My kid poops. Okay, so I extract these Curtis wipes from the diaper, clean up the mess, and dispose of the bundle. Check. Let’s just hope that there are enough wipes for when diarrhea inundates the diaper and sprays out the sides, so I’m not flinging poop like an enraged monkey as I try to extract both child and wipes from the mess. Exciting idea so far. Now, my bare-assed kid and I can go shopping at Target.

Silly me! I need a fresh diaper . . . from the diaper bag . . . where I traditionally keep the baby wipes. So, really, I can’t see what this invention accomplishes in terms of convenience or utility. It’s like having a sock dispenser built into my shoes just in case my feet get wet.

I may as well let my kids carry the diaper bag if the alternative is to duct tape its contents to the diapers. I suppose that I should patent my own invention, which is a pocket that is attached to my pants and contains a diaper and a sandwich bag containing several baby wipes. It is portable, discreet, and doesn’t involve using a baby like a pack animal.

Feeling inspired, I invented a few things of my own:

  • I duct taped a box of dog treats to a dog’s collar, so anytime my neighbor wants to give his pet a treat, all he has to do is get the dog to stop rolling on the ground, frantically trying to bite its collar.
  • I added a pocket to my underwear that will fit a twelve ounce can of beer. Little do people know that what they suspect is a colostomy bag is, in fact, a warm can of beer.
  • I glued two packages of wipes together, so that when one runs out, there will be another one handy.
  • Using genetic engineering (duct tape), I fused an apple with a banana. Still working on that one, but I’m thinking of including a pocket for wipes.

Sadly, Jamie Lee Curtis’ has refused to let her diaper/wipe combo go into production until diaper technology catches up with her vision. I’d like to be rich and famous someday, because one of the perils of being poor and unknown is that quite a number of people will criticize my stupid ideas.

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